


Rules of NEST and the Ark

by fandom_susceptible



Series: Prowl's Lists [1]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Inspired by "Survival Tips for NEST Rookies", List Fic, Prowl likes lists, basically everyone is here, various other characters mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2018-11-05 02:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11004045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_susceptible/pseuds/fandom_susceptible
Summary: Prowl has a list of rules for rookies - and certain established crew members - at NEST and the Ark.





	1. Chapter 1

  1. Do not tell the humans that Prime and Megatron are brothers. Yes, we are aware that they once acknowledged a close brotherly relationship. No, they are not related. 
    1. Especially do not bring this up in proximity to Ultra Magnus or Mirage. The former is related and the latter is adopted, both identifying as brothers of Optimus.  Neither will be pleased.
  2. Do not explain Cybertronian concepts of family. If a human is curious, refer them to a medic, bot liaison, communications officer, or Jazz.
  3. Do not respond to any question with the phrase “as the prophecy foretold” or any other phrase that implies mythology or religion. Humans are easily offended in these areas.
  4. Do not repaint the humans’ vehicles in any way without their permission. Director Galloway was not amused to find his silver Mercedes turned glittery pink. (And yes, we know Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were responsible. No, we have no proof.  No, we cannot legally punish them.)
  5. Do not change one’s alt-mode to match any recognizable vehicle from human popular culture, or suggest a bot do so. Soundwave as the Batmobile was not as funny as you think it was.
  6. Do not tell the recruits Ironhide will eat them. He has never indulged in organic consumption or cannibalism nor will he ever.
  7. Do not randomly transform in front of new recruits to startle them. The human counselor is tired of dealing with the psychological trauma that results.
  8. Do not honk at sleepy recruits with coffee. (Watching them spill it on themselves and their reaction is not as funny as you think it is, Ironhide)
  9. Do not comment on any vehicle’s appearance. The bots will take you seriously and you do not want to know how they react to perceived slights, nor will they hesitate to laugh if you happen to compliment a non-sentient vehicle.
  10. Do not bother Ratchet.  Unless someone is bleeding or otherwise damaged, there is no reason to incur the wrath of any medic. 
    1. The same goes for Knock Out.
    2. And Pharma.
    3. Even First Aid.
  11. Beware of parking areas with any black GMC Topkicks. Ironhide likes to play pranks on unsuspecting recruits.
  12. The Prime is not to place himself at unnecessary risk. ([Prime update] The Prime is a big bot who can take care of himself, Prowl.) Elita One has a different opinion, sir.
  13. Just because a bot is on Cybertron does not mean they cannot come kick your aft. The femmes are particularly vengeful. 
    1. Humans will not be spared.
  14. The femmes do not appreciate comments about their armor kibble any more than human women appreciate comments about their feminine anatomy.
  15. Cybertronian frames are too variable to assume gender based on frame type. Mirage was not amused by receiving female pronouns and the humans who mistook Decepticon Strika for a mech are no longer living.
  16. All bot troops have been briefed on the basic ways of identifying humans and the differences between genders, but they still make mistakes. Do not take it personally. (This also applies to bots.  Mirage and Strika’s retaliations were unnecessary.)
  17. Do not ask Ironhide about his scars unless you are prepared for a long, embellished story about how he received it.
  18. Do not encourage Ironhide or Kup. It does not matter what they are doing.  They do not need it.
  19. No recruit is to get a tattoo of any Cybertronian glyphs without first consulting their senior officers and at least two Autobot officers (Ironhide and Jazz do not count) for translation.
  20. No bot recruit is to get detailing of any human words or symbols without first consulting their senior officers and at least three human officers (not including Miko Nakadai, Samuel Witwicky or Robert Epps) for translation and interpretation.
  21. Do not attempt to drive in an Autobot vehicle. You are inside their body attempting to take control of it.  You will not like the result.  At best you will be left on the side of the road (Bumblebee is the exception to this rule.  He will allow drivers, but no bot will ever volunteer for a human who routinely attempts to drive without asking.)
  22. Do not bring food into an Autobot. The reason should not have to be explained.
  23. Remove all personal items from inside your Autobot escort when you exit. Bluestreak was traumatized by the squeaking toy left inside his cab by the young Lennox child.
  24. Do not suggest a paint job to any bot, in particular the twins, Knock Out, or Tracks. This is seen as a personal slight.
  25. Do not invite any Cybertronian to a monster truck rally, bumper cars, or anything else that involves vehicles intentionally crashing. It is safe to assume they are all considered blood sport on Cybertron.
  26. Yes, the twins are gladiators. No, you may not ask for a demonstration.  The reason should not have to be explained.
  27. No scuffles between Autobot soldiers will be permitted at NEST. All recruits will be informed that all training will be overseen by Ironhide or Kup, so you may not use that as an excuse.
  28. No scuffles between human personnel will be permitted. All recruits will be informed that training is overseen by Epps, Lennox, Miko, or Bumblebee.
  29. Do not ask about Bumblebee’s voice.
  30. Asking Blurr to slow down is like asking Bluestreak to stop talking. It will not happen and may cause psychological trauma for the mech in question.
  31. Just because the bots do not care about your state of clothing does not mean your CO will agree.
  32. Just because the humans will not understand your state of armor does not mean your CO will not notice.
  33. Do not flirt with a member of the opposite species. The reason should not have to be explained.
  34. Do not flirt with any assigned officer. Most of them have significant others and those that do not are not interested.
  35. Yes, Rafael Esquivel can comprehend and even speak Cybertronian Common. No, you may not ask for lessons.  You know who you are.
  36. The game “Operation” is hereby banned from any facility where it may come in contact with Cybertronian life. The beeps are highly offensive in all Cybertronian languages.
  37. Do not attempt to recreate the beeps from the previously mentioned game. The bots will not be amused and your CO will be even less amused about the property damage that ensues.
  38. Do not attempt to recreate Cybertronian language at all. Humans may refer to Rafael Esquivel for lessons in comprehending, but the bots do not appreciate their attempts to communicate back.
  39. If you do not recognize the term, do not repeat it, especially if used by Ironhide, Jazz, Chromia, or Arcee. Chances are it is a Cybertronian curse.
  40. If you do not recognize the human word, reference it on the Internet. If it is a curse, do not repeat it.
  41. The entire Lennox family is under Ironhide’s protection. Disrespect or place any of them at risk and you will learn why he is called a “walking armory”.
  42. Ironhide has a soft spot for the young of any species. Comment at your own risk. 
    1. The same goes for Ratchet.
    2. And the Seekers of both factions.
  43. Optimus Prime and Ultra Magnus were once known as Orion and Dion Pax. Certain bots are allowed to address them as such.  Assume you are not among them.
  44. Mirage is a noble. He does not appreciate judgments based on class.
  45. Blurr, Mirage, and Knock Out are all Velocitronian. Do not make bets on which one is the fastest.  There is no safe location on Earth to test it (that all mechs would agree to) and Mirage will always win.
  46. Bring up the name “Breakdown” around Knock Out at your own risk. 
    1. The same goes for “Tailgate” or “Cliffjumper” around Arcee.
    2. Update: Bring up any deceased human or bot around a former partner or friend at your own risk.
  47. Bumblebee was once a minibot. He still takes slights toward them very personally.
  48. Do not pat any bot’s wings, whether Seeker, helicopter, or door winger. The appendages are very sensitive and patting is often painful. 
    1. Update: Do not touch door wings, rotors, or wings at all without permission.
  49. Do not separate Sideswipe and Sunstreaker for extended periods of time for any reason. 
    1. The same goes for gestalt teams.
    2. And trines.
    3. And any other sets of twins.
  50. Prowl and Jazz are not siblings.   Do not inquire further.
  51. Prowl and Barricade are not siblings. Stop implying it.
  52. Do not assume relationships between bots without direct confirmation from both of them. No one is amused. 
    1. The same goes for relationships between humans. (Though that’s less of a problem. -J) Stop updating the list, Jazz.
  53. The femmes are under Elita One’s command. The mechs have only as much authority as she sanctions; she has deemed practical equality.  The same does not apply to human males (most likely at the suggestion or willful alteration of Chromia).
  54. Cybertronians do not have the same concepts of gender roles. Mechs are the primary caretakers of sparklings even more often than femmes.
  55. Yes, the Seekers love sparklings. No, you may not ask them to meet their own.  They are extremely protective and will refuse to allow outsiders to witness them until they are capable of self-sustained flight.
  56. Humans are not capable of self-sustained flight. Do not attempt to help them achieve it. (This means you, Slingshot.)
  57. Chromia and Ironhide are Conjunx. Do not expect this to soften either one.  Even Megatron has ceased to make that mistake.
  58. Blaster’s cassettes are not his children (with the exception of Rewind and Eject). 
    1. The same applies to Soundwave’s, without the exceptions.
  59. Starscream is not a femme, no matter how high his voice is, and medical will no longer be serving anyone stupid enough to imply so to his face.
  60. Silverbolt is afraid of heights. This does not mean he is incapable of taking you to a height you can no longer breathe and then dropping you if you bring it up.  Skydive is tired of rescuing those stupid enough to do so. 
    1. Slingshot and Air Raid have no sympathy.
  61. Do not ask for a ride in Firefly’s cockpit. He will forget you are there and we do not need any crushed recruits when he transforms.
  62. Silverbolt may have no sense of adventure, but he is still capable of zapping any mech who disrespects his practicality.
  63. Do not apply any nickname to a bot which has not been specifically given to you for use by the bot in question. Examples follow: 
    1. Chromia is not “Chrome”, “Chromie”, or “Mia”.
    2. Sunstreaker is not “Sunny”, “Sunshine”, “Sunflower”, “Streaker”, “Daffodil of Doom”, or anything but “Sunstreaker”. Even his twin is barely allowed.
    3. Ironhide is not “Hide” unless he tells you so.
    4. Ratchet is not amused by “Hatchet”, and is only “Ratch” to Ironhide.
    5. Tracks is not “Princess”, “Conflicting-Primary-Colors”, “Neon Sign”, “Flag”, or “Princess Priss”, no matter what the twins say.
    6. Optimus is not “Op”, “Oh pee” (where did that even come from), “Big O”, or in fact anything but “Prime” or “sir” unless you are informed otherwise.
    7. Only Jazz is allowed “Prowler”. Prowl is Prowl.
    8. Bluestreak is not “Blue”.
    9. Megatron is not “Meg”, “Megsy”, “Big M”, or “evil warlord failure”.
    10. Starscream is only “Stars” to his trinemates. Update: “Screamer” is also not tolerated. This should have gone without saying.
  64. Do not imply the femmes are any less capable than the mechs. They are tired of restraining Chromia.
  65. Do not curse in either tongue in proximity to the small Lennox child; she is a prodigy in comprehending and even returning Cybertronian Common. (Annabelle -L) Who taught Major Lennox to access and update my d-pads?
  66. Major Lennox is no longer allowed access to Prowl’s office without supervision.
  67. Only other officers are allowed to tell Optimus Prime and Ultra Magnus to “lighten up”.
  68. If a bot is large enough to shake the ground when they walk, it is best not to offend them.
  69. Do not throw magnets at the bots to see if they will stick. They will not and NEST is not responsible for the bots’ retaliation.
  70. Only officers are permitted to update this list. Jazz, Ironhide, Epps, and Miko do not qualify.
  71. No one is permitted to take any of the Lennox family for a ride without permission from Ironhide.
  72. All humans on the _Ark II_ will be assigned a bot partner or supervisor. If you do not know the identity of their bot partner, assume it is Bumblebee.  Even if he is not the human’s partner, he is guaranteed to know the identity of their partner. 
    1. All bots at NEST have been assigned a human partner. If you do not know the identity of a bot’s human partner, ask Rafael Esquivel, Cody Burns, or Russell Clay. They are the leading liaisons and will know. - L
  73. Starting an “official site” on the Internet without the approval of the Autobot, Seeker, and human authorities will have unpleasant consequences.
  74. Sending “gifts” to the Decepticons will have equally unpleasant consequences. 
    1. Even if the plushies did confuse them for several days. -L
  75. Skywarp and Firefly are not younglings. Their brothers are tired of correcting people.
  76. Ironhide is extremely protective of the young Lennox (Annabelle). Not bot is allowed to interact with her in any form without his direct permission. 
    1. Major and Mrs. Lennox are more than capable of looking after their own offspring and do not need help from the Autobot weapons officer. =L
    2. Ironhide does not agree.
    3. Ironhide can deal with it. - L
    4. Slaggin’ right I don’t agree an’ you’ll have a Pit of a time stoppin’ me, Will. - I
    5. Please refer to Rule #70.
  77. Chromia is extremely protective of Ironhide, Pointblank, and Firefight. Willfully place any of them in harm’s way and you will not have a head anymore.
  78. Referring to Prime as “Mama-Bot” will no longer be tolerated. He is the primary caretaker of Overdrive, but this does not make him the mother. 
    1. Disrespect of any kind toward Optimus Prime for any reason will not be tolerated. -E
    2. Elita One has spoken. - L
  79. Comments on Ratchet’s “bedside manner” will more often than not be met with a wrench to the back of the helm. 
    1. Doctor Darby has perfected a similar technique using hard rubber wrenches. The same applies to him. - L
    2. Knock Out is also extremely skilled at throwing various medical tools, and unlike the other two, will not hesitate to use blades or points. - R
    3. All medical staff have extremely good aim.
  80. Red Alert’s paranoia glitch is not funny. Jokes about or even comments on it will no longer be tolerated.
  81. Do not immediately call for evacuation when the ground shakes. Chances are a large bot is passing by or Wheeljack’s secure lab has blown up again.  Identify the source and the chances of the disaster spreading.  Then make the call.
  82. No human or cadet is permitted inside Wheeljack’s lab at any time under any circumstances. It is dangerous enough as it is without the human effect. 
    1. The human effect? - L
    2. The presence of humans seems to increase the likelihood of disaster by 15%.
    3. We’ve also increased your chances of success by more than that. - L
    4. That is irrelevant.
    5. Update: The following are also no longer allowed in Wheeljack’s lab: 
      * Ironhide
      * Kup
      * Sideswipe and Sunstreaker
      * Any Wrecker
      * Smokescreen
      * Firefly
      * Skywarp
      * Blurr
      * Sideswipe the younger
      * Any Dinobot


    1. Never touch anything you cannot identify.
    2. Never press any buttons on an unidentified or Cybertronian object and say “what’s this do?” Your curiosity will not override the damages caused to you or your surroundings.
    3. Never expose Wheeljack to Mythbusters again. No matter what Ironhide tells you.
    4. Never comment “Sure is quiet around here” or anything to a similar effect in proximity to Wheeljack, Ironhide, Epps, or Miko. - L
    5. Do not request Ironhide show off his cannons every time Director Galloway walks by. (Even you, Major Lennox)
    6. Do not make effort to give Director Galloway discomfort at all.
    7. Robert Epps is not to be allowed to work with the Wreckers. His partner is Silverbolt.
    8. Denny and Russell Clay, and Sarah and Annabelle Lennox are civilians without military training. The Burns family are a rescue team, not a military branch.  None of them should be treated as soldiers. - L
    9. Blades and Alpha Bravo are not the same mech. Both are getting tired of being confused with one another.
    10. Streetwise and Chase are not the same mech. Both are tired of the confusion and Streetwise is likely to retaliate.
    11. Inferno, Hot Spot, and Heatwave are not the same mech. One is in Security, one is a Protectobot and Heatwave is a Rescue Bot.
    12. Do not assume the bot’s identity based on their alt-mode. Many of the personnel have the same or similar vehicular modes; this does not mean they are the same or even related.
    13. No one will be penalized for mistaking Sunstreaker and Sideswipe for their twin when they have switched paint jobs and are in alt-mode.
    14. The Rescue Bots are not under military jurisdiction and like the medics are programmed to assist anyone who requires it. Do not interfere.
    15. No one appreciates comments on their age, bot or human. - C
    16. Chief Burns is now added to the list of officials allowed to update this list.
    17. Blurr is an Army Cadet and a Rescue Bot in training. He has yet to decide which career he will pursue.  Assume he is acting as a member of whichever team he accompanies at the time.  If unaccompanied, report him immediately.
    18. The bots’ holoforms are chosen for aesthetic value to the bot in question, not as approximations of what they would look like as a human. Sunstreaker is not amused by comments given to his female holoform.
    19. If a human walks up to you and speaks in the same voice and authority as any Autobot officer, do not mock them. All officers have holoforms and it is never a good idea to disrespect your superior officer. - L
    20. Seekers do not “wear heels”; their pedes are constructed with their unfolded thrusters. They do not appreciate comments to the contrary. 
      1. “Pedes” refers to “feet”, for the rookies of the base. - L
    21. Do not give the young Lennox child (Annabelle) paints supplies without supervision as to where, and on whom, she might use them. Optimus and Ironhide may be tolerant of it, but others may not. 
      1. One mech who would like to remain anonymous actually insisted on teaching her how to paint properly, to keep her occupied. Thank you: You know who you are. - L
    22. The floor of the Rec Room, human or bot, is not lava. Please stop jumping between furniture.  These are military installations, not daycare centers.
    23. Bluestreak’s betting pool is technically illegal and will be shut down if it is discovered.
    24. Going into any location with an Autobot and saying “I’m sure none of you would dare” is highly discouraged. Breaking this rule is, if not grounds for dismissal, at least a crack across the head from your CO. - L
    25. Never ask an Autobot to give you a ride if you can drive. - L  

      1. Update: Avoid driving less fuel-efficient human vehicles as much as possible, if you are capable of riding without actually attempting to drive.
    26. Cybertronians as a rule have excellent hearing and other senses they do not talk about. It is still polite to knock before entering, and announce yourself with a greeting.  This goes double for Red Alert. 
      1. NEST will not pay death benefits to the family of anyone foolish enough to startle Red Alert. - L
    27. If you have a debriefing with Agent Fowler, Director Galloway, or Prowl, make sure you get something to eat first. You’ll be in there a while. - L  

      1. Agent Fowler is deceased. However, this same rule applies to any meeting that involves the scientists explaining anything. - L
    28. Senior agents, Autobots, and Seekers are discouraged from giving false advice. However, it is a good idea to keep an optic or eye out for when this is disregarded.
    29. Referring to the Autobots or Seekers as “NEST mascots” is not advised. They are all surprisingly creative when it comes to revenge. - L
    30. Whatever you do, do not call any Cybertronian an “it”. The reason should not have to be explained. 
      1. The same goes for calling humans “it” or “pet”. - L
    31. “Ironhide did it” is never an acceptable excuse. 
      1. Update: Nor is any form of the phrase using a different name.
    32. Autobots are not your chauffeurs or taxi cabs, even if their alt-mode resembles one. Unless they offer, you are walking or running to your next training or briefing.
    33. If an Autobot asks you to play Keep Away or Capture the Flag, verify what or who they intend to use as a ball or flag before you agree. - L  

      1. Update: Any and all physical games from either planet are banned from interspecies teams. Bots may observe the humans from close sidelines, but humans must be accompanied by a trusted bot with the ability to be whisked away if something goes wrong.
      2. Update: All Cybertronians are banned from projectile sports at NEST.
    34. Do not underestimate Wreckers or Spec Ops. They will more than gladly show you why. (In addition: See “Rules of Dealing with Spec Ops”.)
    35. Wheeljack and Doctor Greene are no longer allowed within proximity to one another without close supervision from an equally experienced and much less accident prone scientist.
    36. Flirting with Jazz is not permitted. See Rules 33 and 34.
    37. The medical staff will no longer be serving anyone stupid enough to be damaged by ignoring rule #79. - R
    38. The medics are  _not_ permitted to refuse service out of spite. (This means you, Knock Out)
    39. Yes, Sunstreaker and Knock Out appear to be cordial. NEST and the Autobots will not be taking responsibility for whatever happens to you should you comment in proximity to either of them.
    40. No, you may not ask Sunstreaker for a paint job. He may give them as he sees fit.




	2. Rule 56: Humans can't fly

     "It's not that hard." Slingshot scoffed. "I bet with enough lift and a little wing harness you could totally pull it off."

     His human 'partner', not that Slingshot really considered him a partner, looked thoughtful. "Some humans actually do use gliders to fly off cliffs and things with good updrafts.  We've got the military grade ones here in the base."

     "See?  I'll even give you a boost.  You don't need to be in my cockpit to fly." Slingshot said smugly.

     ". . . . Let's give it a try."

 

     Two hours later Slingshot flew the human up in bipedal mode, holding him in one hand, and then honestly just threw him as hard as the flimsy creature's flight suit would protect him from.

     The glider didn't eject.

     Slingshot flew down beside him, calmly telling him, "C'mon, dirtkicker, open 'em up!  You can do it!"

     The human seemed too absorbed convulsing for some reason.

     "The sooner the better, you're not getting any higher."

     There was a halfhearted attempt to spread the glider suit's 'wings' but he heaved again and scrambled for his flight mask.

     ". . . Did you just purge in there?  For Primus' sake, you're supposed to be used to these G's by the time you get assigned to a 'bot." Slingshot snorted.

     "SLINGSHOT!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Silverbolt, fortunately, shrieked and shot out to catch Slingshot's partner just in time and help him get the mask off, slowing and then stopping his descent as quickly as possible. "Are you all right?"

     The human waved weakly, hacking a bit before managing to catch his breath. He made a 'not so good' gesture and just tried to breathe.

     "What?" Slingshot shrugged. "He wanted to try flying on his own."

     "Slingshot," Silverbolt said very evenly, though exasperation and fury thrummed through the gestalt bond and made his brother wince. "Humans, can't, FLY.  They're not made for it, they don't have thrusters, they don't have wings, and they can't handle the speeds."

     Slingshot cringed slightly. "But-"

     "That's why they HAVE planes, that's why they're partnered with us.  You know what just, go to our quarters and stay there, I'll get him to the medbay and report to Prowl."

     "Yes sir." Slingshot sulked.

 

     Prowl took a long look at the datapad and then a plaintive one up at the silver seeker. "Really?"

     Silverbolt looked just as weary. "I'm afraid so.  The man will be fine in a few days, it was mostly the pressure and the speed that were getting to him.  Slings is already on punishment detail locked in our rooms, but if you'd like to add to it, I'll negotiate."

     Prowl sighed. "I'll put it on the list.  Thank you, Silverbolt.  And given Slingshot's social nature, being confined to his quarters with bare minimum contact from you and your gestalt will be fine."

     Silverbolt nodded. "Sorry about this.  It won't happen again."

     "Make it up to me by explaining to Galloway and Nakadai yourself."

     Silverbolt winced, but sighed. "That's fair."

    


End file.
